so explain again why im purple
no
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
