Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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