Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
