Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
