I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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