Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
