so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
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