Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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