i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
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Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
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I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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