I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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