just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
