Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
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Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
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You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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