What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
