The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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