If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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