i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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