At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
