meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
