And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
