3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
