I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
her vagine was all disorganized.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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