Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
