even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
