Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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