Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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