You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
