Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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