My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Randomize
