so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
