I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
