just survived the first fart of the relationship.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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