just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Randomize
