I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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