Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
