He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Randomize
