I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
