was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
