ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
