i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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