I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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