I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
