Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
