So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
