Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
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He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
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How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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