We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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