i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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