Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
It's rum buckets o'clock
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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