Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
