Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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