Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
