I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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