Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
