my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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