The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
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