she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
