Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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